Dave

This user hasn't shared any profile information

AIM: Offrampmotel

Posts by Dave

Sign Here

477 days

by Dave in Prank Letters

I write:

Dear Copyright Office,

I am writing to you because I am attempting to copyright something, but after looking at your website, and seeing the myriad of forms available for download, I am a bit confused on which one to fill out for my request.

You see, I have never enjoyed writing. Especially my signature. Over the years, my signature has transmogrified from a fairly legible “Cilluffo” to the now-familiar “C” inside a circle (not unlike the copyright symbol).

As I have noticed that this copyright symbol seems to be commonly used, and is almost identical to my signature, I am afraid that works with this symbol will be confused as being originated by me personally, and this could result in many misunderstandings, no matter how well-intentioned.

That is why I am writing to you, friends. I would like to copyright the © symbol, to prevent any future misunderstandings. I feel that when I own the intellectual rights to this symbol, people will be a little less liberal in their use of it–plus, they’ll have to pay me.

Please send me the appropriate forms so that we can get the ball rolling, so to speak

Sincerely,

David M. ©
Erie, PA

They reply:

Your signature is not copyrightable, nor is a familiar symbol.
U.S. Copyright Office
Library of Congress
Washington DC 20559

Let’s Make Smoking History

477 days

by Dave in Prank Letters

I write:
Dear PA Department of Health,

When I was driving to work the other day, I saw one of your billboards (a big sign ad along the side of the road) that said something about “Help us make smoking history.”

Let me tell you, your timing couldn’t have been better. You see, next month I will be attempting to make smoking history by smoking 50 cartons (10,000 cigarettes) in just 8 hours, in an attempt to get in the Guiness Book of Records.

As you can imagine, an attempt to make history like this one is going to be quite an event. The local paper is even thinking about writing an article about me. Of course, with the price of cigarettes going up, this feat isn’t going to be a cheap one, so I’ll be needing some sponsors. Originally, I wanted to stick with local businesses (good for the economy, you know), but after seeing your billboard, I knew you’d want to sponsor me. That’s why I went ahead and put your logo on the flyers I will begin distributing next week. Any donation over $1000 is most welcome, and you can send it to the address below.

Thanks in advance,

Dave Cilluffo
Erie, PA

They reply:

Dear Mr. Cilluffo,

This is in response to your e-mail dated July 25, 1999 regarding the “Help us make smoking history” billboard. This billboard is presented to the Erie community through the Erie County Tobacco Free Coalition. Funding for the billboard is made available from the Pennsylvania Tobacco Prevention Network (PTPN). PTPN receives funding from the Pennsylvania Department of Health.

In addition, The Department of Health has launched a statewide billboard campaign designed to help reduce smoking by youth. These billboards (almost 400 statewide) are targeted to youth between the ages of 9-14. In the near future these billboards will be available for viewing on our website www.health.state.pa.us. Thanks for your comments.

Melting in My Mouth

477 days

by Dave in Prank Letters

I write:

Dear M&M/Mars,

First of all, I’d like to let you know that I love your M&M candies! I have been eating them for as long as I can remember. Even when the government found out the red ones caused cancer and made you pull them from the market, I stood by you! If I HAD gotten cancer from eating M&M’s, you can bet your bottom dollar that I wouldn’t be running to a lawyer’s office to sue you, no siree! At least I would know I died eating the food I love–M&M’s!!! I guess that explains the 511 pounds on my 5’7″ frame, but I digress…

The reason I am writing is because I recently bought a brand new Panasonic TV. Unfortunately, Panasonic put the wrong TV in the box, so I am unable to get cable, but I can’t really comment any more on that until the lawsuit is settled. I’m sure you understand. Anyway, without cable, the most entertaining thing I have seen on TV is those commercials featuring the zany antics of those little walking, talking M&M’s. My 7 children (Buck, Zoe, Clarissa, Oscar, Ebenezer, Joachim, and Chocula) love them even more that I do!

As it is Zoe’s 5th birthday coming up, and I’d like to make this birthday memorable for her, I’d like to rent several of the M&M’s characters for her birthday party on June 5th, 1998. I would gladly pay $10,000 per M&M for the 6 hour party, as well as a $200,000 deposit against accidental death or dismemberment. Money is no object, as I own a successful exterminating company.

You’re probably worried about their safety around a bunch of 5 year olds, but I can assure you that they would be handled with the upmost care.

Please respond as soon as possible, as I already told Zoe that she would be getting something extra-special for her birthday, and I’d hate to see the disappointment on her face if I can’t arrange this in time for her party. Any promotional items you offer would be great as well (preferably a keychain).

Melting in my mouth,

David M. Cilluffo
Edinboro, PA
No reply, so I write again:

Dear M&M/Mars Div of Mars, Inc.,

Several days ago I sent you an email message regarding the rental of several of the talking M&M’s from your tv commercials for my daughter Zoe’s birthday party (June 6th).

My son, Buck, keeps asking me why you haven’t answered me. “They’re just busy coating rich, creamy milk chocolate in a delicious candy shell, son,” I keep telling him, but it’s easy to see how an impressionable 7 year old boy can only buy this excuse for so long.

“Maybe they misplaced my letter,” I thought to myself, so I have kindly attached my original missive to this letter. Please answer soon, so that I don’t lose face in front of my son Buck (age 7). And, as Zoe’s birthday is a mere 2 weeks away, I’d like to get the monetary part of this agreement settled as soon as possible, as the legal documents may take a bit of time to draw up.

I realize I didn’t give you much advance notice of my desire to rent these cute little creatures, but my daughter only recently mentioned the possibility to me, and I’d hate to break her heart.

Thank you,

David M. Cilluffo
Edinboro, PA
They reply:

Hi David

Thank you for your recent message. I apologize your first message was not answered, but I do not show a record of it. Each year we receive thousands of requests, many very similar to yours. Unfortunately, we must deny the request because the characters are not available for this type of event.

We would like to send Zoe an “M&M’s” Plush Character for her birthday, and hope she will enjoy it.

Have a nice day
Your friends at M&M/MARS

Received 1 Yellow M&M Plush Doll!

Kick Start the Habit

477 days

by Dave in Prank Letters

I write:

Dear Counts of Cessation,

When I was a young boy growing up in rural Pennsylvania, I would sit at home waiting for my dad to come home from a long day at work (he was an exterminator’s assistant). As soon as he got home, he would crack open a fifth of Jim Beam and light up a cigarette. Sure, he had a violent temper and a habit of wrecking his cars a lot, but when it came to being a good father, he was second to none (except for maybe those TV sitcom fathers, like Bill Cosby).

Although he would beat me and my siblings (Jed, Jeb, Clem, Sally, Mary, Betsy, Ezekiel, and Quan Pham-Duc) senseless when he was on one of his drinking marathons (and there were a LOT of them, believe me, my friends), we knew that he loved us unconditionally. In fact, the only thing he loved more than us were his cigarettes.

When I saw him sit down in front of our Panasonic TV and light up a Camel, I couldn’t believe the look of tranquility that came over him. When that first breath of smoke hit his lungs and sent the nicotine surging through his blood, he looked like the happiest man alive.

Now, five years after his untimely death (he was killed in a freak car washing accident), I have been thinking about my father’s love for cigarettes. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes as I type this. I actually (for the first time in my life) went out and bought a pack of cigarettes (Camel–Dad’s brand).

I pulled the first cigarette out of the pack, gently inserted it between my lips, and, shivering in anticipation, applied the flame to the tip of the cigarette. “SWEET JESUS!!!” I bellowed, “This is the worst thing I have ever tasted!” I can’t understand how dad could be relaxed by smoking that….filth (for lack of a better word). But, as his oldest son, I am willing to try.

This is where you come in, my friends: I would like to know if you have any tips to help me “kick start” the habit, so to speak. What about your nicotine gum? Would it be easier to start smoking if I were already addicted to nicotine? Please let me know if this is a feasible way to start smoking, as I don’t want to spend all that money and still hate cigarettes.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy is a few packs short of a carton,” but let me assure you that I am sincere in my desire to live up to my father’s expectations. Please let me know how you can help.

Thanks in advance,

Dave Cilluffo
Erie, PA
They reply:

Thank you for visiting our Nicorette website and for contacting us.

We can’t help you. We do not recommend that you use Nicorette

Knocked Up

477 days

by Dave in Prank Letters

I write to Health for Women:

Dear Health For Women,

I wanted to commending you on your excellent website! Ever since I was little girl growing in South Korea as the youngest of 11 children, I have dreamed of being a mother. As I carry 511 pounds on my 4′ 11″ frame, this was a dream I thought would never come true.

But that all changes 3 weeks ago when I met Dave–it was love at first site! He came to my modest apartment to get rid of some vermin in the kitchen (he’s an exterminator’s assistant) and we have been unable to keeping away from each other since then! Last week we were married, and although he have 9 children from 8 previous marriages, we decided to “add” to the family.

Unfortunately, although we have been try for approximately 8 days, we have been unable to conceive a child. In last 8 days, I have purchased 4 of your Fortel Home Pregnancy Kits. At 7.99 each (plus shipping), this is not exactly inexpensive, but I figured that the miracle of having a child was worth it. However, although we have tried 4 times (admittedly we didn’t follow the instructions the first time), your home pregnancy kits have been unsucessful in getting me pregnant. I would very much like to have a child (as I said earlier, it is my lifelong dream), I willing to keep trying, but spending 7.99 (plus shipping) every other night is going to be very trying on my finances.

I realize most corporations don’t like to failure, but is it possible that I have purchased 4 defective pregnancy kits in a row? I can understand one, or even two defective kits, but after using the fourth , surely I should have become pregnant.

I have decided that I will try one more kit, and if it doesn’t works, I will be forced to try another brand.

Is it possible that I am unable to conceive? I have a deathly fear of doctors and other people in white, so going to physician is out of the question. Also, on your kits, you should make several different types (i.e. let mothers-to-be choose the hair and eye color of their children, height, etc.)

Thank you for your time,

Kim-Li Cilluffo
Erie, PA

They reply:

Dear Kim-Li:

A pregnancy test does not get you pregnant. The intent of the test is to determine if you are pregnant and NOT to get you pregnant, the instructions explicitly say this. You take a pregnancy test the first day of a missed period to see if you are pregnant since a missed period is usually one of the first signs of pregnancy.

If you have some basic medical questions about women’s reproductive systems, I would recommend looking at http://www.plannedparenthood.org/. Planned Parenthood has excellent information on pregnancy, ovulation, etc.

Women who are trying to conceive often use an Ovulation Predictor Test which tells you when you are ovulating.

Here is an excerpt from Planned Parenthood on ovulation:

There are seven or eight days a month when women can become pregnant from vaginal intercourse.

* Sperm can live up to five days in the vagina. So women can become pregnant from having vaginal intercourse up to five days before ovulation.

* The egg lives a day or two after ovulation. This means that women are “fertile” (able to get pregnant) up to two days, and perhaps even longer, during and after ovulation.

* In total, a woman may become pregnant from vaginal intercourse during eight days of her menstrual cycle — up to five days before ovulation, the day of ovulation, and two days following ovulation. A woman’s menstrual cycles may vary from month to month, so it may be hard for her to know when intercourse can cause pregnancy.

To read the full article, please visit the site:

http://www.ciserv.com/PlannedParenthood2/

Our links page has many good women’s health sites, http://www.healthforwomen.com/links.html. If you still want to be sure, purchasing an ovulation kit is a safe bet – they are over 99% accurate in predicting ovulation. HealthforWomen.com offers Clearplan Easy [$26.99 plus $3.00 S&H] which contains one 5 day test kit.

Sincerely,

Anne
Customer Service

God’s Etch-a-Sketch

477 days

by Dave in Prank Letters

I write:

Dear State of South Dakota,

Greetings and salutations! I’m writing to you concerning your amazing Mount Rushmore. I was hoping to get a little more information on this amazing rock structure for an article I’m writing for my local church newsletter, entitled “Mount Rushmore: God’s Etch-a-sketch.”

Since it is common knowledge that Mount Rushmore was formed in prehistoric times by a bizzare lightning strike, I am focusing my article on the fact that since the odds of lightning carving those four anonymous faces (we may never know who they were–perhaps disciples?) are so astronomical, the fact that it even exists it proof positive of God’s existence.

To the best of your knowledge, has an article like this ever been written? I have looked for more information on Mount Rushmore, but suprisingly, none seems to exist, so I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on this mysterious phenomenon. Rest assured that you will receive full credit for your input in the article.

Thanks in advance,

David M. Cilluffo
Erie, PA
They reply:

Thank you for your interest in Mt. Rushmore. Mt. Rushmore was carved by a man named Gutzon Borglum. The memorial took 14 years to complete and was completed in 1927. The memorial is Borglum’s vision for “the formal rendering of the philosophy of our government into granite on a mountain peak.” He carved images of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt.

For more information on Mt. Rushmore, please see the following web sites:

http://www.travelsd.com/rushmore/index.htm

http://www.nps.gov/moru/

If you need further information, please let me know. Thank you!

Skin Deep

477 days

by Dave in Prank Letters

I write to Oil of Olay:

Dear Sultans of Skincare,

I found your website and it looks like you know pretty much all there is to know about skin care, so I’m hoping you can help me:

I am 18 years old and a senior at Feltersnatch Memorial High School here in rural Pennsylvania. Our senior prom is coming up in a few short days and I’d like to make it extra special for my girlfriend (Ursula). Everyone knows that prom night is THE night to get drunk. The biggest problem is getting the alcohol. You have to be 21 to buy beer and stuff, and I am 18 (3 years too young) and, to make matters worse, I have to admit that I look like I’m about 12.

This is where you come in, friends. Since you make skin cream to make people look younger, would it be possible to make a cream to make me look older? I figure if you can make me look at least 30 or 35 I shouldn’t even need I.D. Is this feasible? Do you get a lot of requests for this product? I didn’t see it offered on your website, but it shouldn’t take your scientists more than an hour or so to make, should it? I make $5.15 an hour at McDonald’s, but I figure your scientists make at least $8.00 an hour, so I’d be happy to pay them for their overtime or whatever. Money is no object as I have my dad’s American Express card. If you don’t take that I can get his Visa, but I’ll have to wait until he forgets to take his wallet to work again (he’s an exterminator’s assistant).

This really means a lot to me, so please don’t take too long to reply. You can send the cream to the address below and let me know how you want me to pay for it. Also, do you have keychains?

Thanks a bunch,

Dave Cilluffo
Erie, PA
They reply:

Thanks for your message, David.

I’m sorry to disappoint you but we’ll not be making a cream to make someone look older.

Hope you and your girlfriend have a great time at the prom and remember…you’re 18, that’s a wonderful age, enjoy it!

Wanda
USA Oil of Olay Team

Not-so-Slimfast

477 days

by Dave in Prank Letters

I write to Slimfast:

Dear Dukes of Dieting,

I have been using the Slim Fast system for about 4 years now, and am very happy with all the products I have tried! Four short years ago, I was just another overweight exterminator’s assistant weighing in at a gargantuan 357 pounds. You can’t imagine some of the stares I would get and the comments people would make, thinking I couldn’t hear (I was bitten by a rabid dog at the age of 4, and have had super-hearing ever since), and let me tell you, friends, sometimes words can hit just as hard as a fist–not quite as hard as a brick or a lead pipe, but fists are hard enough…

Anyways, I was wallowing in pity and despair until 4 years ago, when Slim Fast changed my life! For the past 4 years, I have been drinking Slim Fast shakes 9 or 10 times a day, and snacking on a box of Slim Fast Rich Chewy Caramel Energy Bars between meals, and am proud to say that I am now down my “fighting weight” of 352 pounds! No longer do I hang my head in shame when my girlfriend (Ursula) wants to venture out in public. I stride boldly and tell everyone I meet that I owe it all to Slim Fast. In fact, I even had some Tshirts printed up (6XL) that proudly proclaim “Body by SlimFast.” Now when people stare, I know it’s because they’re gazing in admiration. I owe it all to you, and if you ever need someone to be in one of your commercials, sign me up! Thanks again for changing my life!

Sincerely,

David M. Cilluffo
Erie, PA

They reply:

Hello David!

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about the Ultra Slim-Fast plan.

The average weight loss you should expect when following the Slim-Fast Weight Loss Plan is one to two pounds a week. If you are losing weight faster than this, you should increase your calories by adding healthy snacks or a larger serving of protein at your dinner meal. More rapid weight loss than two pounds a week can be associated with health problems.

If your weight loss is slower than one to two pounds a week, you should keep a record of your food intake to make sure you are following the Plan as described. You should have a Slim-Fast shake or Meal On-The-Go Bar to replace two meals a day. Three snacks a day of fruit or Slim-Fast energy bars, along with a sensible dinner of 4-6 ounces of meat, fish, poultry or vegetarian equivalent, 1/2 baked potato, 3 servings of vegetables, and fruit for dessert, complete the Slim-Fast daily recommended intake. You should also drink eight 8 fl-oz glasses of water and exercise 60 minutes a day.

If you are adhering to this Plan and are not losing weight, you may wish to monitor your portion sizes or increase your exercise. Also, everyone experiences what is referred to as a ‘plateau’ where your scale may not reflect your weight loss as your body initially loses fat and gains muscle. Stick with the Plan and gradually weight loss should resume! Because weight loss varies by individual, if you continue to have difficulty losing weight on the Slim-Fast Plan, you may wish to see a registered dietitian for a thorough diet review.

Separately, I have sent you a copy of our “Guide to Healthy Living” which thoroughly reviews the Slim-Fast Plan for weight control and maintenance. Please enjoy the coupons on your next purchase of Slim-Fast.

Please call us toll free at 1-877-375-4632 or visit our website anytime you have questions about the Slim-Fast Plan or products.

Sincerely,

Tammy
Consumer Services

Stamp of Approval

477 days

by Dave in Prank Letters

I write:

Dear Schwaab,

Two months ago, I wrote to you inquiring about ordering one of your self-inking stamps, yet I still have not heard from you. I have kindly enclosed a copy of my original inquiry in case it got lost:

I am wondering if you could help me. My dad owns a successful exterminating business, so he has lots of money, but he’s real stingy with it. For my 16th birthday, he bought me a new Camaro when he knew that I wanted a Porsche. I mean, it’s not like he can’t afford it! I don’t know why he is so greedy, but I am sick of it! I was hoping you could help me.

If I send you a copy of his signature, could you make me a stamp of it? He leaves his checkbook lying out when he’s in the shower, but I can’t even come close to making my writing look like his signature.

About how long would it take to make the stamp? Let me know how to send you the signature, and send the stamp as soon as you can. I can pay COD by check.

Thanks in advance,

David M. Cilluffo
Erie, PA

They reply:

YOUR REQUEST DOES NOT SEEM TO BE A LEGAL TRANSACTION THAT SCHWAAB CAN PROCESS.

SORRY,

DIANE LEIN

OFFICE MANAGER

SCHWAAB, INC.

Flat Out of Luck

477 days

by Dave in Prank Letters

I write:

Dear Uniroyal Tire People,

I own a 1987 Firebird that I bought new in 1991. As it was a leftover, I got a pretty good deal on it. I don’t mean to brag, but I got them to knock $500 off the sticker. Anyways, although I have 7 small children (ranging from 1’10″ to 4’9″) I have no problem whatsoever hauling them around. Until January 1, 2000, that is.

You see, on the morning of January 1, I went out to my car at the ungodly hour of 9:46 am to go to work (I’m an exterminator’s assistant). Well, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a red Firebird with 4 flat tires. Well, they sure weren’t flat the night before when I had a bitter breakup with my live-in girlfriend (Ursula). I have been pondering this dilemma for almost 3 weeks now, and just learned some distressing news.

Apparently, there is some sort of worldwide glitch known as “Y2K” which can cause all sorts of things to go haywire, from shoelaces to Panasonic “TV”s. I guess it has something to do with dates being screwed up or something. Why the media never alerted the public to this potential disaster, I’ll never know, but I digress…

What I am wondering is if it’s possible that these tires are not “Y2K” compliant. I mean, you have to admit that 4 tires don’t go flat overnight like that for no reason. So obviously, it has to be a problem with this “Y2K” thingy.

So what I want to know from you is, what do intend to do about this problem? Once I found out about this “Y2K” glitch in my tires, I was planning on marching (I can’t very well drive, can I?) to my attorney’s office to settle this, but I think it’s only fair to give you the opportunity to replace these defective tires before I take legal action and possibly damage your good name.

Thanks in advance for your prompt reply,

David M. Cilluffo
Erie, PA

They reply:

Thank you for your interest in Uniroyal tires. We will get back to you with an answer to your question or response to your comments as soon as possible.

Dave's RSS Feed