I write:

Dear CDC,

Ever since I had my son (Buck) a little over two years ago, I’ve been seeing this “All their shots while they’re tots” thing blasted at me from every which way. Now, next to my cigarettes and the occasional bottle of Jim Beam, my son is the most important thing in my life. So you can imagine how hard it was to get vaccines for him without health insurance. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the doctor, but it sure as heckfire ain’t cheap! Sure, I make a pretty good living as an exterminator’s assistant, but between paying $3 a pack for my smokes, and with gas for my 87 Diplomat going up every day, there ain’t a heck of a lot of money left over for non-necessities. But what the heck, I thought. If Bill Clinton says that immunizations are good for my kid, I’m willing to give it a shot.

Anyhow, I’m writing because I’m a little upset here. I go to the doctor’s office with Buck, and a doctor jams a giant needle in him, and he starts screaming. So for the rest of the day I gotta listen to him. And if that weren’t bad enough, I gotta pay these amazingly high doctor’s bills. And to top it all off, he didn’t get a SINGLE ONE OF THOSE DISEASES, so I guess those shots weren’t even necessary.

Since it looks like you people are pretty respected when it comes to stuff like this, I was hoping you could alert the public and tell them not to waste their money like I did. Just let me know when you’re gonna kick off the advertising campaign, since I’d like to be in one of the commercials. I could use the extra cash, and maybe seeing his old man on TV will help Buck forget about the pain from the shots.

Thanks in advance,

David M. Cilluffo
Erie, PA

PS–Please send a keychain and some assorted promotional items for my son (Buck)

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